An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel” – available on Amazon here.
Maybe I look so bad naked, that’s why John’s not getting off. Because when he gets in me, he’s hard at first, then he turns soggy. I’ve had bloody tampons in me feel harder than him.
John asks, “Can we watch something else?”
I know he wants to watch porn, the real kind. Should I be repulsed? Heck, no. I watch porn. How else would I learn how to masturbate if I don’t watch exhibitionist cam girls finger themselves? Should I be jealous of porn? Let’s be real, it’s not like he’s cheating on me with a porn star. If anything, porn helps. All I care about is getting John hard.
With my permission, John goes online and streams free porn. He chooses something called triple penetration, which I mistake for a threesome. Not quite. It shows a girl being penetrated in all three holes like a stuffed bowling ball. Ugh, it’s too much. I ask him to choose another video.
Next, he watches something called Hentai. Turns out, it’s not an Asian art film. It’s cartoon porn with octopus tentacles slithering into a girl’s orifice. I’m never going to have calamari again after seeing that. When I ask John to choose another video, he lets me pick instead.
I choose a lovey-dovey “porn for her” video. It’s sensual love-making, as opposed to artless penetration of the Kraken variety. But John says it’s not doing anything for him, he’s bored. So I choose girl-on-girl sorority sex, which he agrees is a brilliant choice. Halfway through the scene, he turns to me and blurts out, “Wait, are you lesbian?”
Oh. Is your name Joe Brown? Because I’m sensing a lot of judgment. Not that I should defend my choice of pornography, but I prefer girl-on-girl action because it’s not hardcore and foreplay is longer. It appeals to my delicate sensibilities. And no, I’m not a lesbian. If I were, I’d be flicking the bean to Ellen De Generes’s plaid vest instead of putting up with your DQ Soft-serve.
John adds, “You must be at least bi if you like watching girls make out.”
“So that means you like to get anally probed by calamari, right? Because that’s the porn you watch: Japanese octopus in the anus. Your logic, not mine,” I reply.
“Touché,” he concedes.
We watch porn, but he’s still floppy like a wet cannoli. John is taking so long to get hard, my shaved pubes are growing back. I ask him if he’s alright. Maybe he masturbates so much, he’s out of juice. Suddenly John is worried, saying porn does it for him every time, except now.
He says, “I get hard alone, but not when you’re here.”
What? I’m that un-sexy that I desensitized his dick?
John assures me it’s not my fault. “When I masturbate, I don’t use a condom. Now I’m wearing one, I can’t get hard.”
Phew. It’s the condom, then. He can’t get hard wearing it. “But, why?”
John explains the rubber’s so thick, he feels less of the sex. Simply put, the condom numbs him. To resolve the condom conundrum, John asks, “Can I hit it bareback?”
You mean without protection? No can do. No glove, no love. Sex Rule Number 50: Cover your stump before you hump, if you don’t want a baby bump or a venereal lump.
“But I can’t get hard with this condom on,” John insists. He reasons that since I’m on birth control, it should be fine to go condom-commando.
I may be on BC, but going bareback poses the risk of contracting STDs. Better safe than syphilis.
John says, “I have to take the condom off. It’s strangling my dick.”
I look at his member. No wonder he can’t get hard, the condom is too tight around the base. How is blood going to flow to his manhood if his boa’s constricted? It’s not that the condom is too small. It’s just tight at the base that blood can’t flow to the shaft to sustain his hard-on.
John doesn’t have performance issues. His condom is just the wrong size. It fits like jeggings, when it should feel like relax-fit Levi’s, so he won’t lose sensation and still maintain an erection.
True enough, as soon as the condom comes off, John’s wood is jutting out like the lying nose of Pinocchio. You could hang your entire wardrobe on his steel pipe. But I’m not letting him hit it bareback.
It turns out, when it comes to sex, the hardest part is keeping him hard. Sex Rule Number 51:
If he wears the wrong size of condom,
He can’t maintain an erection.
If it’s too tight, the boner dies.
So, better know his condom size.
For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.